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The Best Comedy Villains, Part 2: The Duller Crayons in the Box


The Best Comedy Villains, Part 2: The Duller Crayons in the Box

A comedy villain can really come in any form. They don’t have to sneak around with a sinister laugh and crooked smile to qualify. Sometimes, it’s the not-so-classic (and quite dumb) villains that can cause the most damage to others and usually to themselves. Due to their stupidity, they often don’t even know how much harm they are causing until their actions lead to disaster, ruining someone’s life, or sometimes even death. But whatever the outcome, they end up screwed in the end, like a true villain should be! Check out Part 1!


Chad Feldheimer (Burn After Reading)

Who he’s against: The outrageously ungrateful owner of potentially confidential material that he happens to come across
Motive: Chad’s an air-headed, Ipod wielding jock of a personal trainer who loves life, perhaps a little too much. The janitor at the gym he works at happens to find a mysterious cd-rom in the locker room, and he and his coworker/friend, Linda, pop it in and find themselves face to face with seemingly confidential government material. Obviously, it’s best to find out who it belongs to and take drastic measures to get some sort of reward for it. Linda wants money for plastic surgery, and Chad does not want to see his good deed of happening to find someone’s belonging to go unnoticed. He cannot pass up the opportunity to engage in all the necessary blackmail and mayhem in order to get what they want from the owner of the disc.
What he’s got going for him: – he is in possession of a disc which may or may not contain crucial government information
Why he fails in the end: These two have no idea what they’re dealing with (and neither does anyone else), and have little brain power to help them along the way. Chad is the one that pushes aside all common sense and realistic logic to get what they want, which is recognition and eventually money. He makes endless mistakes along the way, such as giving away his identity while performing many illegal actions, from going on professional adventures for very unprofessional reasons. Their plan only leads them in circles, as all they were doing was waving around a disc that could possibly have been of very high importance. When it turns out to be nothing of concern to anyone, the two mischief makers take outrageous strides which lead to Chad getting fatally shot in the head. (You may be wondering why only Chad is included as the comedic villain, and not Linda as well. Well, while Chad gets himself shot and killed, Linda ends up alive and has a whale of a tale that the government doesn’t know they don’t care about, but is willing to pay whatever she wants for the information they don’t know is useless. So, she gets what she wants)

“Appearances can be… deceptive.”


Dennis Nedry – (Jurassic Park)

This movie may not be classified as a “comedy”, but really, can any of us say we’ve watched it without repeatedly laughing?
Who he’s against: Essentially John Hammond, but it’s more that he’s for himself getting out of debt no matter the costs on anyone else
Motive: He is a computer programmer who’s in debt over his head, and needs some way to get some money. John Hammond, owner of the park, rudely refuses to pay him what he wants to do some work there, and this angers him. He is given the opportunity to steal dinosaur embryos from Jurassic Park for another company, and there is a very hefty incentive in doing so.
What he’s got going for him: – he is smart enough to program the computers to go haywire without anyone immediately realizing it was his tinkering that made the systems fail – no one really suspects that he would want to cause chaos throughout the whole park… they just think he’s a fat, slobby computer geek Why he fails in the end: He may have computer smarts, but he’s a babbling fool in every other way. He successfully puts his programming errors into play to allow for his flawless escape, but he also manages to set up more destruction than the storm or dinosaurs could have ever done had he not meddled. HE may have created an easy out for himself, but he also created an escape for most of the dinosaurs. While hurriedly leaving, he crashes his car and is attacked by a group of dilophosauruses that were also able to escape their electric fenced-in areas due to Nedry’s power shut downs. He is killed, his embryos are buried in the mud (set up for Jurassic Park 4, anyone?), and the half-powerless park is left for everyone else to deal with. Essentially, Nedry causes 3 other deaths and thousands of dollars in damaged equipment and scenery, making the million dollar park fail before it even opens. Hold on to your butts.

“Unh-unh-uh! You didn’t say the magic word!”


Neil Miller (The Santa Clause)

Who he’s against: Scott Calvin, Santa Clause, Kris Kringle, Topo Gigio
Motive: His wife’s ex-husband is claiming to be Santa Claus, and he sees his stepson, Charlie, being pulled into this fantasy land that psychiatrists with a large collection of Cosby sweaters played by Judge Reinhold just can’t allow to continue………. that and he never got a Weenie Whistle. He wants Scott Calvin out of his life, and out of his new family’s life for good. No good can come from having a father figure claiming to be Santa Claus.
What he’s got going for him: – no other adults believe in Santa either
Why he fails in the end: Things were looking up for Neil at first. He was able to take away Scott’s rights to live with his son, Charlie. Everyone’s eyes were on Neil as the good guy because he got that wacko out of the way. But, no matter how much you try, you just can’t disprove something that clearly exists, especially to a child. In the end, even Neil himself is convinced that Santa is real when he finally gets that Weenie Whistle. But we all know that he really should have gotten a stocking full of coal. Plus, we all know you can’t mess with elves with attitude and expect to come out on top.


“A weenie whistle!”


Larry Hooper (The Men Who Stare At Goats)

Who he’s against: Lyn Cassidy, who has much better telepathy skills than him, and basically anyone he needs to be against in order to make his reputation stand strong
Motive: Hooper is in a top secret American military unit that trains its men (or Jedi Warriors; there are several Star Wars references in this movie which, interestingly enough, stars Ewan McGregor) to use their psychic powers to parapsychologically help the country. He is a top student in his unit, and is cockily satisfied with this. But when another student, Lyn Cassidy, shows up and has significantly better and stronger powers than he, he is angered that he is no longer number 1. Hooper cannot rightly prove to be better than Cassidy, and decides to take drastic measures to make sure he comes out on top. Although he may not try to cause havoc in the unit, he certainly does. He takes advantage of his own powers, and begins to use them against everyone else. He goes into the “dark side.”
What he’s got going for him: – he has psychic powers, usually a major plus
Why he fails in the end: Well, you would think his main failing point would be when he conducts an illegal LSD experiment on a new student that leads to this student going on a naked rampage and eventually putting a gun to his head… but no. The death of this student leads to a trial against the man in charge of the secret unit against whom Hooper blackmails the crap out of, leading to his apparent innocence. But in the end, ironically, Hooper ends up tripping on LSD himself, and with a gun in his own mouth. He is so high that he can’t even kill himself, thus looking like a total pansy, and he definitely can’t stop the good guys from creating a happy ending.
Quote: (right as he’s about to shoot himself in the mouth)

“Wow. I’m really hungry.”


Dignan (Bottle Rocket)

Who he’s against: Not anyone in particular, really. He just wants to make something of himself… as a professional burglar.
Motive: Dignan is tired of leading a boring, useless life. It’s time for some change, and he has the perfect 75 year plan to become wealthy. He’s kind of like a grown up kid, wanting his Hollywood dreams to become reality. He convinces his two friends Anthony (after Dignan kindly helped him break out of a voluntary nuthouse) and Bob (a rich kid that grows marijuana and will do anything to get out of the house) to join him in a life of burgle mastery. He hopes to one day work with his former employer, Mr. Henry, in a larger-than-life thievery project.
What he’s got going for him: – he’s motivated and knows what he wants… and that’s about it
Why he fails in the end: Since Dignan is a naïve idiot, he doesn’t really stand a chance in being a criminal mastermind, especially if he’s to be the leader of all their capers. Actually, his failing process began in the beginning during their trial robbery, when he stole something that wasn’t on their pre-made list of things to steal. And although their first robbery is a good enough success (so much of a success that no one really cares about it), Dignan eventually manages to accidentally give away their stolen earnings. Then his sidekicks realize they don’t want to be a part of his voyage to nowhere anymore, and get on with their lives until months later, when Dignan somehow convinces them to join him in his big event- robbing a warehouse with Mr. Henry. They are easily caught by security, a man is shot, havoc is wreaked, and Dignan’s plan rapidly and embarrassingly falls apart. Oh, and Mr. Henry was planning on screwing him the whole time, and did. The cops show up, and Dignan would have had plenty of time to escape… had he not locked himself out of the getaway van. So he ends up in jail.

“Isn’t it funny how you used to be in the nut house, and now I’m in jail?”

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